Welcome to my brain... posts here are, and will be anything that pops into my non-spontaneous complicated mind...excerpts from my diary, photos I take, or about the movies I watch.
Not a photographer, not a writer of any sort... Just lookin' for some avenue where I can pour my random thoughts.
This is actually a repost. I posted this as a note two years ago, on Fathers’ day. When I got up this morning, I was surprised to see facebook flooded with fathers’ day greetings and photos of my friends’ fathers. Then, I felt a little morose and envious to think that I will never feel the way that my friends do. There’s on thing that struck me though: My father showed me the worst… and inside my heart, that’s why I have always wanted the best. The worst has been trying to bring out the best in me.
The note I posted 2 years ago… but still carries the same emotion I have. (my apology for the way I typed this… It’s just me.)
fatHer’s day doesn’t reaLLy sound good to me. I cannot recALL a day in my life wondering what gift or gesture would MAke him happy… My thoughts of Him when i was young was How i wouLd be abLe to send him to Prison..How i wouLd be abLe to send him away from My Mother.. How i wouLd be able to send him out of our lives.
i have grown with fear and anger.. of regrets.. of antagonism. i can count The days wheN there Was HarmoNy inside the House, which i Never considered a HoMe.. He made Me hate life… and fear Marriage. he showed me how weaK and suBmissive Women can be…HOw heLpLess chiLdren are.MateriaL things are reaLLy iMMateriaL..since he decides whEn they shouLd stop working by Breaking and sMashing them with his bare hands… He HAs Never Let us share our LiVes with Others..we are His propertY.. good thinG we Know How to escape…He gaVe us NightMAres.. Not dreams.
But to hiM, i owe My Life…My individuaLity thAt sets Me apart from Other PeoPLe. My uNiqueNess that provides Distinction.My bLood that Has Brought Me to Being…
He May Not Know, but his CrueLty Has MAde me who, and what i am Now.a stronger (though compLicated) me.
i’m stiLL gLAd i came FrOm you.. may you Be Happy this father’s day.
Surprised? oh yeah, I am talking to YOU. I know we haven’t been in speaking terms lately… Lately as in for the last 10 years. You must know though, that I feel Your existence. Before I start saying so many things let me remind you that You have made me a really lousy conversationalist, and inconsistent in so many ways. So, when I tell you something, more likely, it will not be related to what I have previously stated. Bear with me, ok? It took me 2 cups of cofee (one hot and one iced), a cup of soda, and 2 glasses of that Kool-Aid strawberry juice to say and write all of this.
Going back to me acknowledging Your existence. Well, I know You’ve been with me for the all the years of my existence, plus the 9 months I spent in my mother’s uterus. Oh, and do You remember that time when I was about to jump off that bridge? I know You told my grandfather something because when I was about to do it, he was there and pulled me away from that bridge. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn’t really have done that. Thanks for reminding me everyday how beautiful life is. I also know that you have been with my brother all those years he spent in Afghanistan. You are a good God. I cannot remember asking your help but you have always volunteered. Thank you.
Now, the reason why I am talking to you now is because I want to thank you for giving me things I have to be busy with. The job, and the stints you have been throwing me every now and then. You see it in my heart how thankful I am, right? I really thank you because being busy will not give me time to think about and deal with my emotions. I have been very tired trying to understand how I feel towards people, things, and circumstances. Alright, alright, people mainly. I’m just not good at this, You know? Showing them how I really feel, keeping relationships and all the sorts. I think my friend was right. I’m a nut case. I do not understand how I can love people and hate them at the same time. aargh!
Anyways, thanks again. I hope You don’t get tired of listening to my nonsense… like people. You are what YOU ARE, yeah. I’m sorry if my last statement sounded like I am underestimating your capacity to understand me.